Much excitement today when I answered the phone to hear I'd been selected to receive £15,000 worth of home improvements due to the recession. I haven't been so lucky since I won a holiday to Barbados in the same way, which somehow turned into be a packet of seeds.
While I pondered this news, the lovely Ronnie explained that his company had managed to save so much money by not advertising in the media, that they had surplus stocks - hence my lucky selection today. Since I had a break in my non-hectic schedule I decided to play 'Beat the Salesman'.
"If you were to go ahead with these improvements, what would you spend the money on? How about new windows? How old are your windows?" he asked.
"Brand new" I told him.
What about your front door"
"Brand new. Freshly painted in Farrow & Ball French Grey".
"Conservatory?"
"No thanks".
By now I realised the 'surplus stocks' were anything made of UPVC and he was rapidly running out of options.
"How about a porch? Have you got a porch?" he ventured.
"No - I've got a Ford Ka" I said.
With that he muttered something about a 'waste of time' and put the phone down. Probably not going to win Salesman of the Year, but it's a tough job and someone's got to do it.
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Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Friday, 1 May 2009
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
I've just been to the shops wearing no make-up, a pair of leggings, socks and Birkenstocks. I look like a proper drop-out. Where's my sense of pride gone? Is it slowly ebbing away with my job prospects?Oh well. At least I haven't got Swine Flu.
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Wednesday, 22 April 2009
NOTHING GOING ON BUT THE RENT (and the car tax, MOT, insurance...)
No work this week. Just loads of expense. After careful consideration about whether or not to sell my car, I decided not to. I need it for my fun adventures on the M25. And besides, I like my little roller skate on wheels.
But this month is car month. Tax, MOT, and insurance are all due by the end of the month and as we all know, you can't get one without the other. So I took it round to the garage and ended up having a long chat with the nice man. He asked me what I do for a living and I ended up telling him all about being made redundant, looking for work, trying to freelance, the difficulties of it all and he said what most people say - "have you thought about doing something else".
I explained that I like what I do and I don't want to do anything else. Having said that, I wouldn't mind being an MP. All that sleaze and free money. Plus you only have to turn up a few days a year, disagree with what the other side say and fall asleep. Garage man sympathised but it didn't reduce the bill at all.
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But this month is car month. Tax, MOT, and insurance are all due by the end of the month and as we all know, you can't get one without the other. So I took it round to the garage and ended up having a long chat with the nice man. He asked me what I do for a living and I ended up telling him all about being made redundant, looking for work, trying to freelance, the difficulties of it all and he said what most people say - "have you thought about doing something else".
I explained that I like what I do and I don't want to do anything else. Having said that, I wouldn't mind being an MP. All that sleaze and free money. Plus you only have to turn up a few days a year, disagree with what the other side say and fall asleep. Garage man sympathised but it didn't reduce the bill at all.
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Friday, 17 April 2009
JUST CALL ME MAX CLIFFORD
I've been on the phone to a reporter at the News of the World today. Being skint does funny things to your morals. That, coupled with a woman scorned is a seriously bad combination. Let me explain...
My friend Claire got involved with one of her clients about a year ago. Not the most professional thing to do but they got on, he wooed her by text and phone calls and the next thing I know she's in love with someone she's never met. An unexplained phenomena that I can relate to. Turns out he's a Z list celebrity. Possibly even Y. He's a member of a very successful 80's band who are still around today. Consequently he's loaded.
He flew to London to meet Claire, and despite the fact he has a serious height defect (slightly taller than Jimmy Krankie), they embarked upon a relationship. He flew her up and down the country, they stayed in 5-star hotels and he showered her with gifts. Some months later she got a call one morning from an irate woman professing to be his wife (turned out it wasn't his wife - just his girlfriend of 2 years that he'd omitted to mention).
Claire was heart-broken. She managed to maintain a professional relationship with him but was devastated by the deceit. The harassment and phone calls from the girlfriend went on, whilst the tiny pop star continued his declarations of undying love for Claire. A few months later she got a call from the tiny pop star's best friend (a woman) telling her he was beside himself, she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and if only he could turn back time (it wasn't Cher).
Then he contacted her. She listened to what he had to say. About how he couldn't stand losing her (it's not Sting), how it had been the worst few months of his life, how the girlfriend was history and how he'd never met anyone like Claire and realised what a terrible mistake he'd made. He'd do anything to win her love but he didn't have a clue (it's not Lionel Ritchie either). There was no going back for Claire and she told him as much, but wanted no ill feeling. A week later the nutty girlfriend was back on the blower telling Claire to stay away from her (tiny) boyfriend or else. Turned out he still hadn't found it in his heart to dump her - especially since she now had a terrible illness. Tradgedy. And no - it wasn't one of the Bee Gees. Or Steps.
So Claire is a woman scorned not once, but twice and that's how I found myself on the phone to the the News of the World. She wants revenge. I want a holiday. We have evidence in bucketloads. But they only offered 5 grand in the end. Not worth losing your job over, or indeed your integrity. Selling a story on someone to the papers is not a cool thing to do. I don't think Claire would have gone ahead with it for any amount of money. And I wouldn't usually have encouraged it, but to cut a long story short, I lost my mind. (Nope - not Spandau Ballet either).
I'm going to have to think of another way to make a fast buck. I don't think Claire has heard the last of him though. I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes.
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My friend Claire got involved with one of her clients about a year ago. Not the most professional thing to do but they got on, he wooed her by text and phone calls and the next thing I know she's in love with someone she's never met. An unexplained phenomena that I can relate to. Turns out he's a Z list celebrity. Possibly even Y. He's a member of a very successful 80's band who are still around today. Consequently he's loaded.
He flew to London to meet Claire, and despite the fact he has a serious height defect (slightly taller than Jimmy Krankie), they embarked upon a relationship. He flew her up and down the country, they stayed in 5-star hotels and he showered her with gifts. Some months later she got a call one morning from an irate woman professing to be his wife (turned out it wasn't his wife - just his girlfriend of 2 years that he'd omitted to mention).
Claire was heart-broken. She managed to maintain a professional relationship with him but was devastated by the deceit. The harassment and phone calls from the girlfriend went on, whilst the tiny pop star continued his declarations of undying love for Claire. A few months later she got a call from the tiny pop star's best friend (a woman) telling her he was beside himself, she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and if only he could turn back time (it wasn't Cher).
Then he contacted her. She listened to what he had to say. About how he couldn't stand losing her (it's not Sting), how it had been the worst few months of his life, how the girlfriend was history and how he'd never met anyone like Claire and realised what a terrible mistake he'd made. He'd do anything to win her love but he didn't have a clue (it's not Lionel Ritchie either). There was no going back for Claire and she told him as much, but wanted no ill feeling. A week later the nutty girlfriend was back on the blower telling Claire to stay away from her (tiny) boyfriend or else. Turned out he still hadn't found it in his heart to dump her - especially since she now had a terrible illness. Tradgedy. And no - it wasn't one of the Bee Gees. Or Steps.
So Claire is a woman scorned not once, but twice and that's how I found myself on the phone to the the News of the World. She wants revenge. I want a holiday. We have evidence in bucketloads. But they only offered 5 grand in the end. Not worth losing your job over, or indeed your integrity. Selling a story on someone to the papers is not a cool thing to do. I don't think Claire would have gone ahead with it for any amount of money. And I wouldn't usually have encouraged it, but to cut a long story short, I lost my mind. (Nope - not Spandau Ballet either).
I'm going to have to think of another way to make a fast buck. I don't think Claire has heard the last of him though. I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes.
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Friday, 3 April 2009
ANARCHY ON THE M25
As the world leaders met for a crisis summit in London and anarchists waited for photographers to turn up before throwing a computer through an RBS window, I was en-route to leafy Godalming for two days work.
I left my house at 7.15am and it only took four and a half hours to complete the 50 mile journey. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS!!! I had spectacularly underestimated the power of the M25. As I sat there helpless, I was engulfed with the stress of letting my friend down (creative director of the agency I was trying to get to) and overwhelmed with frustration to the point of screaming. A complete waste of energy and it didn't make me feel any better.
When I eventually got to Godalming it occurred to me that it would have been quicker to fly to north Africa. The things I do to earn a crust. Next time I'll book into the local Travelodge. Do they have Travelodge's in prosperous Godalming? Probably not but I think I saw a Premier Inn.
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I left my house at 7.15am and it only took four and a half hours to complete the 50 mile journey. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS!!! I had spectacularly underestimated the power of the M25. As I sat there helpless, I was engulfed with the stress of letting my friend down (creative director of the agency I was trying to get to) and overwhelmed with frustration to the point of screaming. A complete waste of energy and it didn't make me feel any better.
When I eventually got to Godalming it occurred to me that it would have been quicker to fly to north Africa. The things I do to earn a crust. Next time I'll book into the local Travelodge. Do they have Travelodge's in prosperous Godalming? Probably not but I think I saw a Premier Inn.
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Tuesday, 31 March 2009
FLASHING IN WESTMINSTER
The Flash course was good. I have now learned how to make things move. Tweening as they say in the trade. Watch out for some Jo Elliott designed annoying banner ads popping up on a web page near you soon.
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Monday, 23 March 2009
THIS WEEK, I HAVE BEEN MOSTLY WORKING. WOOHOO!
I had started some quantative easing of my own by selling a few things on ebay when a friend from my ex-job gave me a tip off about a small agency half an hour away. I sent them my details along with a bit of brown-nosing about how much I liked their website. The next thing I knew I had a weeks work. My first whole weeks work of 2009. Just in time for this years council tax bill.
It's been a nice antidote to the woes of the previous week in which I had 3 potential freelance bookings cancelled because the budgets were pulled at the last minute, along with applying for 17 jobs and not hearing so much as a "thanks but no thanks" from any of them.
I've booked myself onto a 2 day intensive Flash course Thursday and Friday. It seems I need to know how to build websites as well as design them to stand any chance of getting a job these days. The course is not cheap. I also need to invest in Creative Suite 4* – a snip at just over 2 grand. Flash is very different on CS4 apparently, and the course I'm doing is the CS4 version. I'll have to flog a few more pairs of jeans on ebay.
*For anyone that doesn't know what I'm talking about, Flash is a web animation programme, part of the Adobe Creative Suite software package which modern day designers and artworkers use instead of potato's and letraset. Adobe bring a new version out every couple of years and change things so much that you HAVE to upgrade. Also known as daylight robbery.
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It's been a nice antidote to the woes of the previous week in which I had 3 potential freelance bookings cancelled because the budgets were pulled at the last minute, along with applying for 17 jobs and not hearing so much as a "thanks but no thanks" from any of them.
I've booked myself onto a 2 day intensive Flash course Thursday and Friday. It seems I need to know how to build websites as well as design them to stand any chance of getting a job these days. The course is not cheap. I also need to invest in Creative Suite 4* – a snip at just over 2 grand. Flash is very different on CS4 apparently, and the course I'm doing is the CS4 version. I'll have to flog a few more pairs of jeans on ebay.
*For anyone that doesn't know what I'm talking about, Flash is a web animation programme, part of the Adobe Creative Suite software package which modern day designers and artworkers use instead of potato's and letraset. Adobe bring a new version out every couple of years and change things so much that you HAVE to upgrade. Also known as daylight robbery.
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