LESS OF YOUR WINE-ING

An old friend phoned and asked if I was free for 2 – 3 days next week to work at his agency on a pitch for Gallo Wines.

“Right up your street” he said.

He’s got me so wrong. I much prefer the European stuff.
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JO'S GONE TO ICELAND (AGAIN)

I went shopping at Iceland again today. Had a look at their Top Ten Freezer Pleasers, but none of them pleased me very much so I just got some frozen peas, fish fingers a couple of tins of Branston Beans (they are WAY better than Heinz – try them), and some cheese. Another fiver well spent.
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THE SKY'S THE LIMIT

Back at the Krypton Factor again this week. I now have my own temporary security pass which makes things a whole lot easier. Well, easier until you try and buy lunch with it.

I decided to brave the canteen on my own today. There’s only so many Tesco layered cheese salads I can take. I really think Tesco are missing a trick. Their sarnies and salads are not a patch on Sainsbury’s. They need to introduce a salad bar and rethink their takeaway options.

There was a bloke outside the canteen roasting chestnuts on an open fire whilst someone played the bagpipes. It reminded me of Paris Hilton. Totally pointless.

Somewhere between filling my tray up and getting to the till to pay for it, I lost my security card. I had the holder in my hand, but the actual card had slipped out. I cannot begin to explain how serious this is. Almost as serious as misplacing the crown jewels.

After scouring the floor in the canteen with no joy, I had to report the missing card to security. Not just any old security, but the security on the ground floor, turn left, go through the double doors, keep walking, turn right, through the door, go to the hatch, ring the bell. Of course this was easier said than done as I couldn’t get through any doors without a security pass. Honestly - I just felt like getting in my car and driving home. But I couldn’t get to my car because I couldn’t get to it without a security pass.

It’s back to Tesco tomorrow, salad bar or no salad bar.
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ALL IS WELL

I’m back at the library this week (the nice local agency). Hurray! How I’ve missed Jeni Barnet and her righteous, mummsy banter on LBC at lunchtime.

I’m covering someone’s two week holiday so back next week too. 
I cancelled my dole application as things seem to be picking up.
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DOES ANYONE HAVE A HELICOPTER I CAN BORROW?

I wish lorries would stop breaking down on the M25. I thought it was just bad luck yesterday, but oh no. There was another traffic stopping lorry incident today. There’s never any evidence of these lorries when you do get moving. They’re an unexplained phenomena – like Pete Burns.

I’m averaging an hour late a day by the time I get to my desk and I refuse to leave home earlier than 7.30. It’s a 9.30 start and two hours is more than enough to be travelling either end of the working day. I’ve gone from 5 minutes walk to work, to two hours every which way but cruise.

Moaning aside, the work is nice and so are the people. It doesn’t seem that busy though. I’m wondering if I might be surplus to requirements but am doing my best to pretend otherwise.

I tried the canteen at lunchtime. It was amazing. Like a top notch restaurant with too much choice. I had fish & chips for £2.50. You could get seriously fat if you worked here full time.

The library called me today to ask if I’m available next week to cover someone’s holiday. I said yes immediately and thanked god for quiet offices, short journeys and parking spaces.
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IS THIS THE ROAD TO HELL?

There’s no way I was enduring the public transport ordeal again 
today so I decided to drive. It had to be quicker, plus the lovely 
Terry Wogan could keep me company.

The traffic was flowing like a dream on the M25. Until I got round the corner where it came to an abrupt standstill for no apparent reason. We crawled a bit, then stopped again. Crawled a bit, then stopped. Then Terry’s traffic woman said a lorry had broken down on the M25 near Heathrow airport.

I was only half an hour late but I couldn’t park. It was hard enough getting myself through security, but a car! No chance. I had to dump it in Tesco’s 
car park and phone the agency to tell them to phone the client and say 
I was running late (again).

Just one more hurdle to get through until I could begin the day’s work – Security. I heard they were bringing the Krypton Factor back. Maybe this could be one of the challenges: Navigate yourself to said destination on time and without going mental.
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CAN SOMEBODY CALL SECURITY

I wasn’t sure of the best way to get to Middlesex where I’m working for the next few days, so I got up really early and got the train, then the tube for 19 stops, then a bus. I was still 20 minutes late.

When I finally got to my destination, the place was enormous and I didn’t have a clue which area I was supposed to be in so I went to the main security gate and queued behind a group of bemused foreigners. When I got to the desk I gave the contact name I’d been given.

“Ain’t on de list” said the guard. I wasn’t sure if he meant me or the guy I was trying to report to.

“Stension number?”

“Pardon”

“Ex-ten-sion number”

This went on for sometime before it became apparent I was in the wrong building. When I eventually got to the right one I had to repeat the process with security. I wasn’t allowed through the gate without someone coming to collect me, or an official pass.

I called the recruitment agency to tell them how well it was going and to ask if they’d call the person I was supposed to be working for and get them to retrieve me from the security box.

Finally, I saw someone come out of the building, so I legged it like I was escaping from Guantanamo Bay and yelled “Do you know Pete Davies?

“Yeah – he sits in there. I’ll take you through” said the nice man as he nodded at the security guard.

When I finally got to the right room, it was empty. There was about 25 macs playing various screen savers but no people. I half expected Jeremy Beadle to appear at this point, but then I remembered he was no longer with us (god rest his soul).

Half an hour later some people appeared and pointed me in the direction of a free mac. I sat there checking my emails and looking busy until someone came over and introduced themselves. Turned out she was a freelance artworker and did I want a cup of tea? Later she’d show me where the canteen was. Apparently most people there are freelance, which explains the complete lack of direction.

It was almost 12.30 by now and I finally met the person in charge. Well - his PA who apologised profusely for all the confusion and suggested it would be a good idea for me to go to lunch now. The project managers were still getting their arses in gear and there would be some work this afternoon. No sooner was I in and established at a mac, I now had to get out again. There was no way I was going to navigate the canteen so I borrowed someone’s security card and found the nearest shop – a massive Tesco. 
If only it was a Sainsbury’s. There’d be a salad bar and everything would 
be OK.

I did eventually get a couple of hours work done before the 2 hour journey home. And it was nice work. Content for a TV ad.

Think I’ll try driving tomorrow
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